It’s Monday, Monday! Just another day to dissect bad music…

Y’all have heard this Friday crap by now, right?  Admittedly, I was late to the party – or should I say luckily? – and only picked it up today, when wondering who the fuck Rebecca Black was and why a few people were posting bad quotes about Saturday coming after Friday.  Now, I kinda wish I’d remained oblivious.

Friday is the new video and single from one Rebecca Black, a ZOMG superstar! in the making from Southern California, where her thirteen year-old ass gets sent for training in New York City and has performed the Star-Spangled Banner 50 times!  I can’t say song applies to this piece of autotuned drivel, being as she doesn’t actually sing in any admirable way, but it does have a backing track and is a video on YouTube.  Without further ado, behold the horror:

Are you thoroughly horrified by this video?  You’re not alone; its atrocity has reached full-blown meme status.  So how did this piece of crap become a music video in the first place?  You can thank ARK Music Factory, a vanity label slash community of music made for kids, teens and adults to share the shite music they think is actually good.  I can’t really blame the kids they are exploiting all over their site and YouTube; what thirteen year-old girl who likes to sing wouldn’t take an offer from what appears to be a legit label?  Or rather, what parent wouldn’t pay for the representation of their spoiled child, in hopes he or she will be their meal ticket as the next Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber?  In fact, those at ARK have worked with Miley.  ZOMG!  CLOUT!

Awesomely Repellent Kiddy Music Factory, is more like it.

And the ‘song’ and video itself… where to begin?  Rebecca likes cereal.  Rebecca’s thirteen year-old friends can also apparently drive, own their own cars, and do not believe in seatbelts.  For the love of fuck, the one girl has BRACES and one of the guys looks too young to have his balls dropped.  They also apparently cannot choose between the front and backseats – this is such a dilemma, Rebecca must mention it twice.  Jesus, bitch, take the one that’s empty.

OMG Me Me Me So Excited!

I also love the standing and dancing in the backseat of a moving vehicle; so cool to promote to your tweeny users, ARK!

As for the song itself, there are only thirty unique lines – and calling them unique is a stretch – and a third of those are in the rap intermission.  Um, WTF?  Songs are repetitive, but I’m pretty sure even Ke$ha managed more lyrics in Tik Tok.  And she sounds better than Rebecca with autotune – and Ke$ha is an untalented hack.  Rebecca, for all her special training with “cast members from West Side Story”, has not learned to properly enunciate herself, resulting in the song sounding like an ode to breakfast.

Man, this is like watching a Baby Plastic try and be a pop star.  Which is why this is awesome:

Boo, you whore!  Go back to your dance classes in SoCo!

Also, what the hell is up with the 80s special effects?  For a minute, I thought I’d fallen into the nightmare reflection of the awesomeness of A-Ha’s Take On Me clip.  And why is a grown man rapping about jail bait and how he’s gonna have fun after passing a school bus?  Um hello, all that reminds me of is…

Pedo Bear attack!  This pool party sponsored by ARK Music Factory!

In conclusion:  it’s hard enough for real talents to get heard these days.  ARK is doing a massive disservice to my ears, and also, to these girls.  They’re victims, here – let’s not forget that.  How much money is ARK stealing from their parents while deluding them into believing that they will ever have a real career?

In fact, fuck it; let’s call Chris Hansen on them.  They’re just as bad as Pedo Bear, really.  Look at the videos they’ve made.  Pure child exploitation at its finest.  Beside, I hear tell that our ‘passin’ a bus’ Pedo Bear is one of the founders of ARK…

Props and Kudos to this other awesome blog about this meme; check out further visuals and the best bitchslap possible of this tune from Kingsley…

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