I feel disoriented when the future mother-in-phones or comes by to see us.

It’s not that she’s not nice; she’s actually utterly wonderful.  She’s kind, generous, soft-spoken and cares fiercely for her children.  She is the first of my significant others’ parents since my first girlfriend’s mom to actually like me and embrace me.  The man called her when he bought our matching bands and told her we’d eloped, and her only upset was that she didn’t get to see it.  She kisses and hugs me hello.

It occurred to me tonight why I’m always shaky and unsure inside:  I didn’t have a mother like this as a child.  My mother was younger, wilder, and angry.  She was volatile, ever changing;  I didn’t know from day to do whether to expect a smile or a slap.  She ‘threw me out’ several times in my teens, and tried to ban me from my grandfather’s wake because I needed help getting to it. I haven’t spoken a word to her since that day in 2008.  I have never missed her, the person; I have missed the presence of that motherly energy, that comfort and support.

We reflect that way, the man and I:  his father left him behind, and he has done without, until meeting my father.  He’s pretty much adopted him as his own now, in the same way I chastise him if he picks on ‘my mom’.

So many people have let me down over the years.  Even now, I evaluate my life and feel utterly let down by some.  I’m sure part of it is me; I struggle some days to get dressed and function, let alone hold together relationships of all kinds.  I coil up within and retreat, waiting for someone to poke my turtle shell and let me know it’s safe to stick my neck out.

It is times like this when things are going down that I see who isn’t around.  And it’s hard to erase that sense of loss.

“Every thought that I repent
There’s another chip you haven’t spent
And you’re cashing them all in,
Where do we begin to get clean again
Can we get clean again

I walk home alone with you
In the mood you’re born into
Sometimes you let me in
And I take it on the chin
I can’t get clean again
I want to know
Can we get clean again

The god of wine comes crashing through
The headlights of a car that
That took you farther than you thought
You’d ever wanna go
We can’t get back again
You can’t get back again

She takes a drink and then she waits
The alcohol it permeates,
And soon the cells give way,
And cancels out the day

I can’t keep it all together
(Star, stuck underneath the moon)
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…
I can’t keep it all together
(Star, stuck underneath the moon)

And the siren’s song that is your madness
Holds a truth I can’t erase
All alone on your face

Every glamorous sunrise
Throws the planets out of line
A star sign out of whack
A fraudulent zodiac

And the god of wine is crouched down in my room
You let me down, I said it
Now I’m going down ,and you’re not even around
And I said a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…

I can’t keep it all together
(Star, stuck underneath the moon)
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…
(Star, stuck underneath the moon)
I can’t keep it all together

And there’s a memory of a window
Looking through, I see you
Searching for something that I could never give you
And there’s someone who understands you more than I do
A sadness I can’t erase
All alone on your face .”

Day 354:  God of Wine – Third Eye Blind