It’s been a year since I’ve spoken with someone.  To hear that nothing has changed is sad, but somehow, not surprisingy to me.  Depression is a bitter mistress,  and she doesn’t relinquish her servants easily, but when they lay down and choose to serve, instead of fight back, she will always win.

I tried to show these truths to this person.  I tried to explain how easily we fumble for the first possible reason or cause and try to ignore the difficult work it takes to undo a latticework of misguided thoughts and self-loathing.  Depression that is insidious doesn’t not go away with a simple decision like a new job or apartment.  It takes time.  But some bury their heads in the sand.

He tried, in his emails, to believe that if I were gone, things would be all better.  He believed a line fed to him by others who wanted the problem to be neat, pat, and over with.  He claimed he felt better already.  So why is he still in the same dark hole now?

Because the problem goes a hell of a lot deeper.  And all his friends can do now is wonder why he refuses to admit he’s there at all.

“You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole
And convinced yourself that it’s not the reason
You don’t see the sun anymore…”

Day 308:  When It Rains – Paramore