365 Days of Music: Day 145

To suffer alone, or to open up.  Forever the question.

I tend to suffer almost entirely alone, allowing a few select people a glimpse into my life as it truly is.  I’m the queen of a poker face.  I’ve had to be for much of my life, to get through alive and in one piece. But when does it become worse to allow even those regular voyeurs their peek?  And when the truth spills out later, the resentment negates any sparing of pain.

There’s no winning, sometimes.  I forget that.

Sometimes, perfection can be perfect hell…

In painful need, I reach out a hand, desperate for contact.  In reaching out, my pain transfers and the grip I need slips away, stung by the sparks of my confession.  I burden others, but my burden does not grow lighter; the load is not shared, but multiplied.

In seeking help, I have created new chaos.  In trying to rescue myself, I have endangered myself further.

I swear I didn’t mean for it to be like this.

My body feels cold, every inch of my skin raw, as if sandpaper has been taken to its surface.  My fingertips press into the pale milky white and watch as it blossoms pink in response.  Bruises, only for a moment.  A moment where the agony beneath the surface is mirrored by the vessel within which it is contained.

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes…

Day 145:  Bruised – Jack’s Mannequin

3 thoughts on “365 Days of Music: Day 145

  1. I think opening up is important, even if we do not find the comfort we truly needed to find. I think though, people give what they can, and sometimes their own fear and insecurities keep them more distant than they truly wish to be.

    I so wish I was close enough to actually hug you. I’m way over here sending many though.

    Your writing, as always, is so beautiful.


    • You need need need to become more familiar with Andrew McMahon. He’s from California. He used to front Something Corporate as well. Let me know when you’re able and I will upload you songs…

      I know how that can be – only being able to give so much – but it’s not much easier. I just have to choose honesty, in the end, because I cannot lie and cause even more pain.


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