As the year draws to a close, I struggled to find a song that encapsulated this year’s highs and lows (mainly lows, if I’m honest). Last year, the choice was easy; it was a year of delays, of waiting, of losing the energy and strength to do anything more than exist. Last year, I couldn’t live.
This year, I believed I wouldn’t, or shouldn’t, live at some points. This year beat me into the ground, then kicked me a few times in the liver for good measure. I entered this year asleep, and chose to drift between that realm and that of the waking world, if only to spare myself the harsh realities waiting me – or, at least, the ones I thought were waiting.
Determined people pulled me up, dragged me out, reminded me of how much fun it is to let go and live, to just be free in the moment. I am forever grateful that they didn’t give up on me. I’d never give up on them.
Ties that needed to be severed – whether I understood it at the time, or only in hindsight – were sliced with razor wire. Ultimately, I am the better for it. There is a sting when someone you love leaves your life, for any reason, but when that person does not love you back, what’s the point?
It’s wasted energy. And if there’s anything I need to spend wisely in 2010, it’s energy.
Many of my preconceptions fell apart this year. I’m entering 2010 with fresh eyes and a clean slate. It’s long overdue, and it feels exciting. Many people held false preconceptions of me, and I’ve shown them the door.
So what did I learn, overall, in a year where I stopped speaking to my abusive mother, lost a man I loved and thought loved me well, cut several friends from my circle and gained several others, and ultimately, found the love I should have held out for in the last few weeks?
That I was always able to be free; I just had to turn around, and walk towards that freedom. And why it took me so long to find this year’s final song, when it waited for me in the soundtrack of my favourite film of all time, I do not know. But there it is.
Day 113: Free – The Martinis