One year today, and still it aches, a pressure in my chest that threatens to break my body apart with its force. The world lost one of the most incredible men ever a year ago today.
They say time heals, but this is a wound that still bleeds, same as it ever was. The flow has slowed, but still, it refuses to fully heal. I don’t ever expect it to.
There are so many things I wish he was here for. So many things I needed to say, so many things I wish we could have talked about. I do talk to him, sometimes, but I can’t hear his replies, save through my tarot. I remember his voice; I feared I might start to forget it, but I haven’t yet. I remember his laugh and his smile, and the way he whistled like a bird to make me laugh.
I remember his acceptance of me as is, his fiery belief in my potential, and the way he tried to shield me from my mother. I remember him with grace, with conviction. I remember the way he viewed my grandmother as the sun, the light around which he orbited.
I remember feeling him disconnect a few weeks before passing. I remember knowing before my mother said so that he’d left. I remember the weeping, face buried in the harsh carpet of my apartment as I pounded the earth.
I remember working that same night, remember him visiting, holding me from the other side when I halted, unable to do my patrols. That warmth… He had promised. “I’ll always have my arms around you.”
I feel them now, as I cry in the dark. He’s making the rounds. I am grateful I bound us so tightly in life with the healing spells. He’s never too far. And yet, he’s still millions of miles away.
I miss you, Poppy. Forever.
Day Eighty-Three: Slipped Away – Avril Lavigne