A little late in the day, perhaps, but I have yet to sleep and therefore, we are still in ‘Sunday’ doman.

Sometimes, we stumble onto the most meaningful songs in the strangest places.  We’ll hear a song in the grocery store and be struck by a lyric; we’ll heard it in an otherwise terrible film we’re regretting renting from the video store; or perhaps, like me, we stumble onto them via fanfiction of all things. Quality fanfiction is an indulgence I do not feel shame for; a well told story is a well told story in any format, with any characters.  I prefer Alternate Universe works myself, ones that rip characters from the canon and plunk them in a whole new story.  One of those stories mentioned today’s song, and being a junkie for a new tune, I YouTubed it to play while reading and immediately fell into melancholy love.

Day Four:  Grace Is Gone – Dave Matthew Band

Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It’s 2 am – I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my heart, take my eyes cuz I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

While I wouldn’t call myself a Dave Matthews Band fan, I am an appreciator of their work and have a great deal of respect for them.  They’re one of many bands I keep meaning to fully ‘check out’ and simply forget to.  I’m not certain why; I’ve enjoyed every single song of theirs I’ve ever heard.  But this song just surpassed Crash Into Me for my favourite of the lot.

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

Drinking at 2am, filled with a desire to forget the great love that escaped my hands and flew away…  The love that devastates, that consumes the heart in flames, leaving but ashes to sift through.  At 2am, when most of the world around you is asleep, heartache is a razor to the throat, your breath baited in anticipation of what you’ll do next.  Will you press down?  Will you open your weary hand and let that tool of destruction tumble to the ground?  When you are alone, truly alone, with your thoughts and alcohol in hand and head, what does one do with a fractured heart that’s far beyond repair?

One drink to remember, then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember, and another to forget…

This isn’t about an ordinary break-up, the kind that hurts like hell but slowly heals.  This is about the heartbreak that spreads, a fissure that courses the entire body and spirit until nothing can be saved, until all is septic.  It taints every action, every word spoken, every thought, every moment of joy sought out.  Even in happiness, I am in pain.  A part of me lies shackled within, a butterfly pinned alive to a board, fighting futilely for freedom.  The more I contemplate, articulate or pontificate, the less the misery abates.  And so I drink.

You think of things impossible then the sun refused to shine
I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine..

In the daylight, the sun reveals the aftermath:  the weary lines, the forced smile, the dark circles rimming my once brilliant green eyes.  The daylight brings responsibility, things that must be done, a life on autopilot most of the time.  The night brings memory, ghosts of moments spent touching, talking, traversing the universe and its mysteries without leaving a room.  These ghosts are relentless; they do not sleep, so neither shall I.  But I will not think of all of the ways in which I have fallen from grace.

Excuse me, please;  one more drink?